Help! Our young child prefers me over my partner, and we aren’t sure why or how to handle it.
We spoke with Emily Andrews, M.S. Ed, our early childhood development specialist, and she shared some insights as to why this happens and what parents can do.
It is quite common for children at one stage of development or another to have a preferred parent. While this is a normal part of child development it can elicit a wide variety of feelings and responses from both parents.
The preferred parent may:
- Feel the love of their child and all of the joy that comes with that
- Be exhausted by having to do what feels like everything for and with the child
- Have a strong need for a break as well as some resentment
- Feel badly for the other parent and/or feel very frustrated overall.
The less preferred parent may:
- Acknowledge that it’s understandable/normal that their child prefers the other parent during a given stage of development
- But, they also may feel some degree of rejection. Rejection hurts.
- They likely didn’t ever expect to feel rejected by their child and this can be a very tough feeling to understand.
- They may also feel helpless: They want to do more to support their partner but aren’t sure how much to push.
Both parents may feel embarrassed by the imbalanced dynamic.
So many feelings…what can or should parents do in these situations? It is important to explore what may be causing a young child to prefer one parent over the other in the first place. There are so many reasons ranging from age of the child to varying family dynamics that might be causing this parental favoritism.
Reasons why young children may prefer one parent over the other
Primary care during infancy
Early care, like feeding, rocking, and diapering, during infancy, often falls primarily on one parent, a primary caregiver. This may be because of the nature of the feeding itself (i.e., breast feeding or bottles) or because it just happened that way. It can be hard to break out of a care cycle that is overly reliant on one parent.
Family dynamic
Whether it’s a family with quite a few children wherein ‘divide and conquer’ works best with the new baby or a particular parent has a more demanding job resulting in the other parent taking on more care, family dynamics can become engrained quite early. These dynamics need to be noted and accounted for so as to give parents a break from specific roles and to give children the benefit of having both parents’ styles and voices in a variety of parts of their lives.
Parenting skills
One parent might be more experienced or have more parenting aligned skills due to their work, extended family, or life experiences then the other parent who feels newer to this. The “newer” parent is then often happy to follow the other parent's lead, take orders, and otherwise sit back resulting in the child feeling that the first parent is the primary caretaker and the person to go to for all things.
Relatability
Some parents simply relate more to one child. It isn’t necessarily that they prefer them, it's just that they feel that they understand them very well. Whether that is due to gender, personality, or learning style, parents can sometimes each parent the child/children that they best understand. Both parents need to make an effort to spend time with each of their children.
The child’s individual differences
It’s possible that the child’s unique needs may mean that they are less flexible due to sensory or cognitive differences. They may rely on the sameness of certain things. When parents are supporting a neurodivergent child, they will often go with the path of least resistance, since things are already hard enough, why ruffle feathers. The parent that can keep the child happy and calm will be the one to do most of the parenting so that the family can function as best they can and will continue to do so. Raising a neurodivergent child can be difficult and it can be hard to find the time or space to step back and assess the parenting decisions being made. It’s important in cases like this to realize that children impact how parents develop as much as parents’ impact how children develop. So, now, what do we do, how can we alter this dynamic while being emotionally responsive to the child’s needs?
So what can you do if you are experiencing a preferred parent situation?
It helps to establish the above. Figure out which reason, or reasons, your child has landed in the “Do not not even think about cutting my sandwich, only __________(Daddy/Mommy) can do it correctly” category. Once you know that piece, or even think you know some of it, you can begin with the first step: Communication. Seems obvious, but you’d be amazed how far exhausted parents fall into the groove of not speaking about parenting choices, changes they’d like, and in this case emerging parental preferences, etc.
How to handle a preferred parent situation
Step 1: Communication
Step 1 is to talk with each other about what can change. This might sound like, “Hey, I’ve noticed our child has been favoring you/me lately. I was wondering if we can have a positive and supportive chat about why we think that may be happening.”
Step 2: Reflection
The less preferred parent needs to do some thinking about how they want things to change specifically. Not just “I need to be a better parent”, but specific changes that they would like. Perhaps it’s more play time outside or reading more together. One way to start this process is for them to reflect on their own childhood and recall what their best and most meaningful memories were with their own parents, or what they didn’t get from their parents that they wish they had.
Step 3: Start small
Begin with little tweaks to your routines and be sure to give your child notice of these little tweaks and engage them in the process. Remember they weren’t necessarily part of the communication step, so they will need some warning as to the small changes coming.
This might sound like: “Mommy has been making your breakfast every morning and Daddy has said he feels like he would like a turn. I like that idea too because sometimes Mommy needs to shower at breakfast time. So tomorrow and the next day Daddy will make your breakfast. Let’s give him some hints about things you like. Get your crayons so we can make him a sign. Should we surprise him with a breakfast ideas list? Can you draw some breakfast-y pictures on our sign? Will you help me tape the sign up in the kitchen?”
I’d recommend not starting with bedtime as that’s a bit loaded. Children put a lot of faith in the consistency and reliability of bedtime as it’s a significant separation. Try starting with bath time, Saturday morning activities/sports, dinner prep, or facilitating a playdate.
Step 4: Incorporate re-direction tools
Establish a few re-direction tools or strategies to quickly move past moments where the child is insisting on the preferred parent. These can be anything from use of humor “Wait did you say you want Daddy to bring you juice or that you want Daddy to be a moose? Uh-oh look Daddy is turning into a moose!” Or a pleasant distraction like pointing out something coming up that they are looking forward to, “Uh, you know what I just remembered, we have a playdate after school with your buddy Sam. What can we stick in your backpack to show Sam after school at the playdate?”
Step 5: Co-regulation is the magic key
Co-regulation is the process where a supportive adult helps a child manage their big emotions by sharing their calm, providing a safe space, and modeling self-regulation skills. It is basically being the person that can comfort and soothe the child. Parents should put their heads together (see step 1) and come up with some low stakes opportunities for the less preferred parent to co-regulate.
Again, if bedtime is too ‘high needs’ right now, shoot for something else. Maybe soothing your child and helping care for “boo boos”. If a child gets a skinned knee, re-direct them to the “Boo-Boo King.” Say something like “Daddy is sooo good with boo-boos, he even has his own Boo-Boo Kit.” A low stakes opportunity for co-regulation will be the doorway to the child seeing the less preferred parent as someone that they can go to, someone that feels comforting, someone that is equally there for them.
In the moment, this might feel difficult, but it will really make a difference in the long run. And once your child feels comfortable spreading the love and attention between you and your partner, you will all feel better. You got this!
